We are in a strange world. Not because we’ve begun respecting apps or pets more than our fellow human beings.

But maybe because not all of us are gifted with an intellectual bandwidth of making a decent sum of money without realizing that there are stupider ways of doing so.

At least, not through utterly strange ways of earning it. For instance, would you care to be an armpit sniffer to make some quick bucks, nevermind then that the nose may no longer be a particular strength of your body? Would you, for instance, become a sex worker bearing your heart, body and soul to the most capricious and insensitive of human beings, and who knows, even some who may have indulged in bestiality?

But while it’s ludicrous to engage in conjecture, what’s rather funny and shocking is to note that an English man apparently receives a hefty paycheque worth £1,000 by simply complaining, whining about Mayonnaise? How truly wonderful, isn’t it?


This 39-year-old man, who can, at any point of time in the day do anything even a tad bit more enterprising such as working for a not for profit or selling insurance insists on instead focusing his energies at getting free meals at restaurants where on account of incessant complaining, he gets either a free meal or a good discount.

What is utterly surprising about this true incident is that the restaurants still continue to present the serial complainer with free food or exciting discounts? Who does that? Why would you do that, unless it appeared to you that the constant cribber was your mom’s favourite relative you had to please despite appearing to be this mindless looney from outer space?

While the act of needlessly complaining about food, especially mayonnaise sauce in his meal does seem like the act of a mindless teenage prick; a complaint that someone only possessing the brain of the size of a cashew nut can do, to the utter surprise of those unfortunately gifted with common sense and that thing called ‘perspective’, is that- why doesn’t the police intervene in the matter?

If the complaint, as in most cases is about ‘ too much mayonnaise being on a burger’, then why would the restaurants continue to serve Chris Owen- the man with an otherwise normal name but an abnormally horrendous complaint- the same folly every single time? What’s even bizarre in this case is that the man isn’t a criminal nor an unemployed twat. He’s in fact, in the PR business and happens to be a director with a PR firm. Now, can you dig that?

The Mayonnaise cribber (how else would you call him), who hasn’t yet been knighted for pulling off such a massive food heist has, in fact, even interacted with the BBC wherein he shared that every now and again, he urges fellow ‘sufferers’ who hate the needless addition of mayonnaise on fast food items to ‘speak up’.

It’s interesting, isn’t it, that in an age where common discourses and activist movements are flowering around more principled and vital aspects such as feminism and fighting off xenophobia, we have someone complaining about mayonnaise? Stupidity knows no end and mindlessness, often runs deep. Maybe, placards should now immediately read, switch off from mayonnaise. How about Chris Owen being elected as London’s new mayor who bans mayonnaise? Or, at least labels it the next deadliest item on a banned list after Boko Haram?

One wonders if an ingenious nation like Great Britain can put up with such a nasty little prick, then it’s easier to understand why the country can also put up with vehement terror attacks. May the two are no longer allowed to prevail. And by this, we don’t mean mayonnaise.

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