The 3 Things India Secretly Want From Sri Lanka For The Next ODI

Dharamsala did no good to India’s lungs. It poisoned it with such good positivity and clean air that the virus spread from the lungs, reaching the critical cognitive part of the brain. As a result, we witnessed Sri Lanka- no less sloppier than the present day West Indies- send India packing.

Kohli wasn’t around. Some thought, the absence of his angry shadow- that instantly commands respect- hurt India’s motivation. Others thought it was Dinesh Karthik’s unshaven look. It didn’t help that Dhawan and he had similar august plans for the team, which duck was better- fans are still debating.

Nonetheless, in the immediate aftermath of allowing Suranga Lakmal- a man a total ODI experience of 66 bowling innings- to toy with an experienced Indian batting line up, the BCCI Skyped Sri Lanka board and decided to ask for some mercy from their hammerers. Upon intense deliberation, 3 key peace offerings have been demanded from the Sri Lankan team-led by Thisara Perera, who finally ordered that long-awaited chicken biryani upon his team’s disciplined grinding of India.

1. Give Rohit Sharma a lifeline

For India to be able to flex some muscle over the Sri Lankans, it is absolutely vital that stand-in skipper Rohit Sharma got going. But poor batting form and abysmal facial hair- both seem unwilling to leave Mumbai Indians’ permanent skipper.

For this, Ravi Shastri was of the view that in the event of Sharma giving catching practice to Lankan slip-cauldron, the team kindly let go of a sitter of an opportunity at Mohali. This will allow Rohit to live up to his reputation of being a ‘hit-man’ of weak nations and make Kohli enjoy his holiday in peace.

2. Kindly contribute by way of extras

This current Sri Lanka bowling outfit has clearly got its act together where bowling is concerned. It’s quite like the Aussies putting an act together and hurling vile abuses to mentally derail the Poms.

BCCI have officially sent a letter requesting the Sri Lankans to assist India’s top-order scoring by constantly conceding extras in the first 15-overs. In return, Dhawan and Rohit have been coached to not run for wides or in the event of no-balls.

3. Kindly give a stale midnight meal to Suranga Lakmal

Ok, there was something really wrong and worrying about the 30-year-old inexperienced Sri Lankan quickie. 10 overs- 4 maidens- 13 runs- 4 wickets. Surely, Lakmal was conned into believing this was a 5-day contest and he was quick to remember his exploits at Kolkata.

In fact, Lakmal nearly laid the same eggs at Dharamsala as he did at Kolkata- 4/26- remember anyone?

It will be mightily helpful, confessed the BCCI in its written letter to the Sri Lanka cricket board- that Lakmal be served over-cooked, oily North Indian bread and some grotty gravy so that a last-minute food poisoning stinker hurt his chances of participation in Mohali.

In return, he would be served a three-course meal from any of Chandigarh’s revered roadside Dhaba’s.

As Ravi Shastri prepared to encourage his troops for an intense battle in Mohali, using the term ‘tracer bullet’ for the first time since 11th’s morning breakfast, Rohit and Shikhar were found with their fingers crossed in anticipation of receiving a positive reply of compliance on the part of Sri Lankans.

Disclaimer: don’t take this piece any seriously. We love to watch both the fine teams just as they are.